My very existence, my thoughts had become
dusty with neglect induced by self-consciousness, note the irony, will you!
Questions interspersed with chortles of laughter about my hobbies would send me
into a mental asphyxiation lasting till I stammered and gave into the nausea
churned out of the apparent emptiness tugging at me. That's a few years back.
Always singing songs on ultrasonics and
infrasonics in my mind, or a song that would have me tapping my feet with fervour
as I visualized moves and steps that would amaze me, only to freeze at the thought of
performing it even in front of myself. This was till a few years back.
I seemed to think I didn’t know what poetry
was till I recently glanced with calm acceptance followed by appreciation of my
scribblings, without wincing for once, (and always henceforth) at what I
thought was meant to be dumped eventually, if I happened to have as much as one
retrospective glance at resonances of my assertive existence in words willing
to sacrifice themselves for want of better words, or definitions to my life. This
is the last few months, this is now.
That inaudible hum has now bloomed into
heartfelt, happy singing to songs as I walk on and across streets, into my
office or anywhere. Never knew any of this would be possible one day. And yet,
each day, nay, each second unfurls as more beautiful than the other.
This one’s funny, in retrospection at
least. Having waded through umpteen rejections at ‘selections’ for dance
performances and competitions in school, to discovering the rhythm of my own
two left now set right via all that
life has taught me in the past one year, probably the most profound of learning
experiences in my life till now. From graciously accepting compliments with
belief at my dancing skills in college, I further sauntered into dance
classes nine months back, and when someone at the studio tells you, that you’ve
grown a lot from where you started wrt dance, it’s like quenching my thirst for
perfection only for that one instant, that eventually spurs me on to discover
perfection in a wholly different posture and garb, with time.
I never knew I could be this passionate
about something in my life again. I say, all these years have been worth it.
Each day, as I try to bring perfection to my steps, or balance myself during the
workouts, the rhythm, the infinite song of vitality uncoils from its self-conscious slumber, and stretches its hand out to
me, as my dancing partner, showing me the way to the next dance step, and discovering
a certain idiosyncrasy of me. And how do I celebrate the discovery of it? By
doing a little jig. Never have I admired myself more than I inadvertently do
now, when I catch myself staring at my reflection, as I move to the front row,
performing the routine with all my life and imagination.
As Mary Murphy rightly
said in a recent episode of So You Think You Can Dance, dancing serves as
oxygen to the soul. I hope I can gracefully dance out my gratitude for dance someday. The irony of it!
