Talking Trash.

For those who can write away pages after pages on something they were asked to, or on something they have strong views on, but fall short of uttering more than a string of disconnected words, when in front of a bunch of people- Maybe, because you've forever been like that, not being able to/wanting to speak out what your views are on a certain topic being discussed. Maybe you've struggled, each time, visualised yourself speaking away to glory, and even receiving a raving applause from the very handful people around who were so used to not seeing you speak, so used to not having noticed you. But you realised it doesn't come that easy. Times are, when you stop yourself from saying something that came to your mind, because you feared it'll sound lame, and a minute later, your friend says the same thing, and you get guffaws of laughter from all around, and you're plain angry at her/him for having stolen your 15 seconds of fame. :P

               Then you see people around you, talking nineteen to the dozen. Colleagues, neighbours, friends. Family? Does the same happen when you're home, too? Here, I am not trying to assert that you're smart only if you can chatter away at the drop of a hat, anywhere, anytime. Having the gift of the gab is a great deal valuable indeed. Then, after sulking over your mouth-taped condition in public, when you eventually go back to just listening to what people have to say, how different people respond. And, you realise that many of them, or maybe some of them, are talking away trash, saying stuff for the sake of it, just to keep the conversation going. So, there are many, who're as clueless as to where the conversation's headed, but make sure to speak in then and now, so their presence is noted. Also, there is no such thing as you having to be correct all the time, in all that you say. Whereas, many such people, take gulps each time they utter their 'opinions'. What I am trying to convey, here, is aptly summed up by what my friend had to say, a few months back.

"The question is not whether you're a jerk or not. Of course, you are. Everybody's a jerk, to some extent. The real question is just how concentrated you are. Even big jerks are easy to deal with if they're dilute enough."

 So ultimately, what seems to be catching everyone's fancy, is the presentation, the portrayal, rather than the content. If you're a soft-spoken soul taking a shot at debating, chances are you'll end up feeling nauseated and yet again be so taken in by what the opponent has to say that you're in a fix again when you realise that you're expected to say something, to defend your stance, next. The very same evening, though, you may be talking non-stop with your bunch of close buddies. In front of new faces, you just can't come up with a new question to ask, or something to say, to what's already being discussed. Starts right from childhood, when there's peals of laughter and delight if a toddler recites an entire poem correctly, accompanied with claps that mark 'appreciation'. I remember the same being asked of me when my parents scuttled from school to school for my admission to school. Ashamed and scared back then that I couldn't splutter out a handful of words when asked simple questions, that my parents had prepared me to answer with quite some style and panache, I am quite happy with how I have fared till now, in that respect. At the same time, when I now talk to people whom I knew for years, but never exchanged a word with before, I am astounded each time someone says I seemed an arrogant/mean/proud person to them. Because those who know me would probably not count me as mean or arrogant, hopefully. :D And then I'm back to wishing I were one of those who could just start off a conversation and be the one who did most of the talking even in front of  unfamiliar faces. Though am glad such yearnings don't last long. For now, am happy enough that I talk more than I ever did, years back. And it feels better. But Nothing feels better than coming back to this space, and writing away something, hoping each time, that it'll strike a chord with all of you reading it, and you'll laugh at a thing or two. Enough to make me happy for now, I guess? :)

Ants and Us [incomplete]

Sitting outside, I noticed a colony of ants walking by a path. Fascinating, how these tiny creatures spend their lives [however short it may be] coordinating with a whole bunch of ants, surviving, and dying one day. They're oblivious to our existence, of course. [Can we presume that?] Laugh all you want but all of us can't prove otherwise, either. My point being, we're mere ants in a gigantic universe, where we can only shudder and stop when something unnatural happens, and then go back to to our mundane lives. I wonder if only a handful of us are curious? Or is everyone plain dumb, and watching movies like Koi Mil Gaya and Krishh suffice for and 'entertain' you enough, and quieten your curiosity?

Man has forever been curious, at the same time, that curiosity has been limited to within himself only, not outside. Risk-taking is one admirable trait in mankind, yet the risks he's taken all along are for the immediate better, usually. And so, today, he can't proudly claim, that all he has in front of him is all perfection, or working towards it. Thinking we're working towards something, it is only too late that we realise that something else is already crumbling down. A very myopic view of things then, probably. Feels ant-like, no?

            Tracing man's steps towards advancement down the ages, one can observe that for each new comfort, or discovery that he brought about, a set of problems cropped up, concomitantly. It is through mistakes though, that we learn. Could we say for sure that man is definitely at a better stature now, than he was when he beastly, and lacked a rational approach? Yes, we're more aware, of things around, and within. Man has ventured into space, too. Landed on the moon. Is it a natural thing to have had happened, then? that there are umpteen pressing issues of global or national  concern, today, all that have come up and aggravated to an uncontrollable extent, in the process of man's pursuit to living a life of perfection? What with the world having seen World Wars, and lived through pandemics, catastrophes then and now, on this spot and that. Or could things have been better? 

                         

To Give It a Vent, Or Let It Pent.

True, circumstances shape us, or maybe just influence us. Many of us do turn out to be stern despisers of the institutions we've been made to believe in and worship from childhood. Others become ardent upholders of it, after internalising everything that's been drilled into their minds. So, different people react and respond to, and most of that 'response', we know, is not decided by us, or let's say, the conscious us.

                        Talking of people, let me just say, most of us crave to be acknowledged in more ways possible each day, gives us a kick. It always feels great to be paid a compliment to when you're amongst a lot many people, especially when some of them are people who don't really know you. In front of some, however, you don't stand expectantly with your tongue wagging. There, it's your turn to please them, in the sense that you can expect to laugh at and be laughed at by your friends. You can [casually] slap them if they're annoying you for a long time, you can tell them to shut up when they go on blabbering about something you weren't interested in listening to, right from the start. You can't try that with parents, right? You wouldn't even want to. Yes, no denying we all have those spurts of boiling anger brimming over when parents just say something to us and expect us to just gulp it down and dissolve it in our system, when we know it's actually causing a ruckus within. Then too, more than pelting a stone at them, you want to be able to argue with them, point for point, in a way that they saw you as thinking, [not perfect] people. If you were wrong after all, you could have it explained by them step by step, you think you deserved that much, right? And if they turned out to be wrong, they would [should] simply be glad they were wise enough to go for a discussion on something they had been sure of. But at times, they just know, that they know best. I wish they underwent such moments of epiphany when they were pathetically wrong, too. This ain't about the rebelling against parents crap at all.

                            Another category of people is of those who, you realise you can't respect, ever, but have to deal with however, because they are a part of your life. Faces you have to see everyday, or hear often about, though you're least interested in hearing of anything to do with them. Nor can you just go up to those people, and say with a wide smile across your face and tell them that they're one of the most pathetic, sick, dumb, fake, insensitive, indifferent persons you've come across, and that you're shutting them out of your life for good. Sad, that the people we're most sure about in life about, are often the ones we spend ages being able to do what we wish to about/with them, because of- again, circumstances, maybe, or our imaginary fears may have much to do with it, or imaginary problems, these imaginary things hold us back from manifesting something even better into the real, situations of our lives. But many a time, not always, those situations are such that you see no choice but to sit back and wait, and hope that someday you'll be able to fix this, or alter that.

                         Of people, some are as beautiful as the evenings of a splendid winter evening- chilly, yet comforting, in the warmth of fire- just like the most boring of occasions turn into the most cherishable
 memories, with friends around. Time flies when you are with them. Each second spent with them is like drenching your soul with watery memories, so they just seep in, before you see them again, before the well of memories starts drying up again. And those Some, whom you can't bear, but have to put up with, like I mentioned above. And they take great pleasure in the fact that you can't rid yourselves of them, or that you can't say a word, when they are busy uttering away crap that you wouldn't normally take, from anyone. Sometimes, they Say things to you. Sometimes, things happen. And there was no question of you ever uttering a voice against that. And all you can do each time is, just re-live or accidently remember that moment when you felt you were treated miserably, knowing you didn't deserve it, [let's not bring in Karma here, Please.] and feel angry again, sick to the pit of your stomach, cry, at best, curse that person, and then what? Forget it, knowing you can't do anything about it? That sucks, right? That feeling of helplessness- I wonder if there's a word to be able to accurately describe it. And that bitterness remains, the memory of that experience remains, much as you would like to forget about it, knowing that you can't forget it forever either, because you know you've been wronged, and that will bubble forth, somehow.

                           Many of them, conveniently forget, what hopes you had pinned on them, what happy expectations you had from them, much as each persons deserves to expect from any fellow being- and mutilate them, because they were indifferent to those expectations, and to you in the first place, probably. You were probably no better than a rag doll- to be adored and decked up with newly stitched clothes- when you were lucky they were you know, in a good mood. And when they weren't in just a good mood, or had done something sick themselves, or were simply irritated- they would vent it out on you; not caring to stop and think if we'd ever be able to vent it, let it out, some way, someday? What if we never got that chance, to erase that bit of memory? What if we ourselves turned into one of those people we had despised? Or just be a victim of having that lived through that experience? Sometimes, it doesn't feel all that glorious, surviving all that and then living an entire lifetime. It is, maybe tougher. Seeing manifestations of happenings years old around you, in you, yet not able to control it? Maybe someone you had deeply loved and trusted betrayed it, or said something that did more than just hurt you. You realised in that instant that someone can bring your so called 'reality' crashing down, a reality you had cherished. And maybe you stop expecting anything from anyone, turned bitter and distant to anyone who tried to come close, turned cynical- could you be blamed?
 
                     Sometimes, more often than not, people we have great expectations from, disappoint us. Disappointment would be an understatement. And then, all our lives, we have to live with the fact that it did happen. Sometimes, it affects us to so great an extent that in moments when we're alone, and are following a chain of thoughts, we discover ourselves pondering over or considering something that seems at once alien to  ourselves, and yet a natural consequence of our own thoughts. But what triggered those thoughts? is hard to tell. If you want to kill someone off today, maybe you don't have to think about what people would think if they were privy to your thoughts, maybe you should just think over what caused it, and be calm in your own mind.  At times, things just happen, you couldn't have done much to forestall it. All I can think of saying is, maybe next time, you'll be better prepared. Maybe you won't. Some things you can take care of, make sure you do.

I'm Always On Facebook! Are You?

It's got us all hooked. Seems to be the best [only] thing to when you're bored/ happy/ excited/ depressed/ feeling nothing. In short, we don't need a reason to go type facebook.com or even better, click on the bookmark, and wait in eager anticipation of seeing of  how many notifications you have on your profile. If it's a mere 2-3 notifications, you're greatly disheartened, saddened.

                      I'm not here to batter down the site's image [bcz anyway, ten others will turn up to batter my views on it], but to just state my views on it, which is more [virtual] experience-oriented. It could be a boon or bane- people/companies/brands publicize their services on Facebook, again for the same reason, most of the regular buyers/customers/clientele are on facebook, or even just online, and once you click on the 'Like us on Facebook.', you forget why you came online in the first place. Massive amounts of investment is made on promoting brands/products on facebook. On the other hand, going beyond age old cyber crimes of hacking, today divorces, forget break-ups, happen over facebook. It is hard believing that a lifetime or years of relationships can be broken over such trivialities. What is even more surprising is the fact that people spend hours every day posting pictures, updating statuses, updating their profile, almost in a bid to make their lives seem all perfect and enviable, true; who doesn't like to present the best about themselves/ their lives to the world? And those who won't do that, seemed to have grabbed the melancholic mood for eternity, updating statuses that would, or were attempted to seek sympathy. Strangely enough, we have a bunch of faithful 'likers' for those updates too. Really, how much of time and importance can we afford to give to it? Knowing that with many of us, half of the people who're in our list, we don't interact with, ever, or the fact that lesser number of likes on our posts/pictures/anything end up making some feel almost worthless,  and in turn put pressure on themselves to show the world that they're better. That's what it is about, the ostentation, the facade of portraying a fantastical life. Yes, we spend hours typing away, or merely scrolling down updates, or flipping through pictures [and not liking them so that no one can say we've been stalking them :P], we spend hours  perfecting our virtual selves rather than our own lives. The very idea/option of having that 'like' button for every single thing, from a heartfelt status update to a one that is brimming with curses at someone- again trivialises our emotions, our experiences, our very lives. Really, now, can our responses to everything in life be summed up with the press of a like button?

                                      At times, when people update their status saying something like, 'I've had the worst day in weeks today. Why are people ever bent on screwing things up in other's lives?'- you don't really know how to respond to it, you can't just go and like it. Yet there are morons who will 'like' every damn post/picture/status that comes up in the news feed, and liking a status like the aforementioned one, only goes on to show how dumb one can be at times, one thinks he's voicing his sympathy to that person, but you're only making an ass of yourself, because something that comprises two different statements which differ in their tenor, albeit are stated in succession, cannot be responded to that way- That is where Comments come handy, my friend. Only, you are too lazy to type something- not that you're in a hurry, you're just feeling lousy, yet you are on Facebook, because you have nothing to do, maybe, at the moment? There's degrees of states of slothfulness, you see! :D

                            But then, one can't sum up something as big as facebook and its impact on our lives, with just that much. Anything to do with Facebook, and voila, we have a pair of ears, nay fingertips, propped up. Till you're dormant there, all seems fine, you just nod away to your friends discussing away your picture that they uploaded and how many eyeballs, nay comments it fetched, and your ears pucker up at that, eventually giving away to your eventual disinterest. And once you're regular with your log-ins, it's all about notifications, new pictures that have to uploaded immediately, via mobile, so you can keep your friends updated, and receive umpteen likes, [but ask yourselves, how many of them are really interested?]. Well, a lot happens over a couple of pictures! ;) And soon it turns into mutual liking. Liking = facebook likes, btw. You like my pictures even though I look like a bloated pigeon or an injured owl in them, to rescue me, and I will like yours', in 'times of distress', or a 'like-less' atmosphere. You can't help but laugh at some pictures that people upload of themselves, or other random things, some might even make you feel a little nauseated for a while, but you go ahead and click on 'like'. Instead of hovering over our own profiles and of others' to keep a tab on who's the most popular on Facebook, going by the number of likes on their respective pictures and posts, why not log out, go outside [or stay inside, for that matter.], do something that you would like to do, not thinking if that would get you likes on facebook. Truth is, despite being aware of how Facebook-oriented our thinking becomes, as we spend more and more time over it, we only like to get further entrenched, it is too much to let go of that thrill, sheer ecstasy to see those number of notifications, and scrolling up and down to see which notifications are about comments on your posts, next in line is about the 'likes' on your posts, followed by trivial notifications. Its almost like unwrapping gifts everyday, first you grab the ones with shiny paper and colourful ribbons on em. At times, you click on 'Xyz commented on your status update' and all you see, is a ':P' ';)' and you're all disappointed.

                                       Some one you're not really on cordial terms with in everyday encounters, his/her facebook profile gives you the chance to keep track of their latest updates, [it's something many of us can't help, much as we may hate someone, we're always up for getting to know something new about them, more so if it's something nice that happened to them, yes.] On the other hand, you may spend hours chatting with some others, with whom you can't hold a conversation more than five minutes long, when you come across them in your everyday life. I must also mention the rampant sycophancy and complaisance on the site, and  all those 87 comment long comment-conversations which mostly comprise trivial nothings of :* :* and ^_^ 'heyyy, miss u too... vl mt up soon...' crap. To those people, why can't they just continue their sugar-sweet conversations on chat, and spare people who had mistakenly commented on the status, thinking, that would be it. :P =|  To those who're struggling to build a fan following on facebook by resorting to such servility, people, get a life!
                                     No denying that I too am a voluntary victim of this addiction, [no exaggerations] :D but, we all enjoy it, looking at our profiles, the profile pictures, the number of likes on each of them, trying to assess our 'popularity quotient'. I wonder what's important? The number of likes/comments we elicit through our posts on something like facebook, which did not exist when we were born, nor will exist [let's face it], a few years down the line, or a bit more, maybe? What then? It's more than a virtual apocalypse in waiting for many people, who spend their times logging in every few hours, or even minutes, or stay  perpetually online, in wait for someone to 'ping' them, or a notification to pop up, what once they will suddenly have nothing to like, or get likes on, almost a ritual for them? Keeping all that I've said till now, we all know Facebook does indeed make life a tad bit easier, and even help us get a large fan base or support for important causes, or be able to publicise an upcoming event, there are groups that you can join, for instance photography enthusiasts can join groups and build their contacts with others sharing the same interest. A lot more, can be said on that actually. facebook ain't good or bad, just that one musn't get hooked to it, it's virtual, and we must remember, that we have a life! :D Also, as my friend says, that if facebook goes down, something new will come up. True! :D And guess where this conversation took place? Right on facebook, through comments on my status update about the scenario when facebook closes down. Ironical Indeed! :D

What are You laughing at? o.O

Laughter. Of a person or people in multitudes. The very sound, nay, the very picture  which sends us smiling and then bubble forth into gurgles of laughter, when we're carrying out the routine errands of everyday, or just thinking of random things, when we have nothing to do. That sound, that expression, leaving aside everything else and just getting drenched in the trivial joys of the moment, enjoying that moment without regard to how your day went, or with the worry of how it will go. That feeling of not having any worries at all on your mind, for those few moments. Invaluable gift, ain't it? You can smile when you feel you ought/have to, in a social gathering, for instance. But when you laugh? It's different- you are more assured of the genuineness of the person's feelings, well generally! Some people can fake both with such panache, they should be awarded with the Oscars. Let's forget them, for now. :D

                      When you feel too embarrassed to state it, a chuckle or chortle could say it all. Friendships get built on humour. It binds people alike- anywhere, everywhere. You make people laugh, spread a smile on their face, and the world becomes your friend. =) Truly, being able to make people laugh, is a boon. Though, people seem to have issues with being laughed at, when they do something funny, inadvertently. On the other hand, we know of people who act funny so people around can share a laugh. It's not so much about who was being laughed at, it's about having  ten people with you with whom you can share a joke. 

                                Some people make it a point, a part of there basic 'social etiquette', to not laugh when a joke is cracked,  or someone said something funny, or something crazy happened. They feel giving in would be reducing their status to that of people who indulge in lowly trivial nothings. Whatever. It's almost like you're trying real hard to stop that pent up laughter from giving you away, and concomitantly trying to convey-  'See, I'm so much cooler than you guys- I didn't laugh at that. Yeah- you know why? Keep wondering, and keep laughing and make an ass of yourselves.' People struggle so hard to keep that serious, 'smart' facade up, all the time. Yuck. The thing is, everyone's mind works differently, makes out differently of the same situation, no two people can think alike. So if you were to find something funny, you laughed, and stopped, and forgot about it. Why first decide whether to laugh at something or not? When you don't get a joke, you ask again. Or you fake a ROFLMAO stint, or attempt to, to cover it. :P That is still better than not laughing just because you wanted to maintain the intellectual in the gang image, [yeah, people live these delusions about themselves] as if people really buy it, anyway. :D
 
                                             Laughter for many, is now a mere showpiece of cordiality. A language meant to convey something like the deal being fixed, the talk of diplomacy. When we're talking laughter here, I'm not presenting a picture of people coughing their way to laughter at each apt moment in front of friends/foes, but of those very smirks and grunts that I mentioned, a while back. One can poke fun at someone, by writing a satire, better still, a mock-heroic poem on them. And be well applauded for it. Dryden, Pope, were pioneers in the domain of satire. Dryden's satire on Shadwell was caustic enough an attack to ensure he'd never come out of oblivion again. It made Dryden popular in the intellectual circle, but marred Shadwell's confidence, though he went on to become poet Laureate, later. So, what do we see, in today's times? It's wonderful, the gift of laughter, being able to express your amusement at something, not having it limited to smiles alone. It's about whether you're laughing with someone, or at someone, I guess. Isn't there a difference between the two? When you're sharing it, your mind is in a state of delight, and you feel so happy thinking you're going to tell something so crazy and hilarious to someone that you just wait for the moment when they burst out laughing, and you laugh all over again, too! When you're hiding that laughter at that someone under your breath, or you unabashedly laugh just to make the one in front of you feel worse about himself/herself, you very well know there's nothing happy to it. It's insipid, shallow. Cz it's a facade. And in the end, you don't end up feeling unburdened or lighter, but with a feeling of [false] victory that you had the last laugh- [at your own expense, though.]

                      Last but not the least, instead of blindly sticking to these nauseating notions of apt social behaviour, go laugh your lungs out when people least expect it. People need a wake up call, coz laughter has become a habit, a practice, exercised at times. And that, saps the life out of it, and us. 

I Lurrve you :P

Let me write about the concept of love this time, then. The thing which prompts every writer to pen novel after novel on it,  here and then, scores of movies have been made over it. . our own Hindi film industry is ever living up to its legacy of puking out a dozen films on this theme, since it all started. Talking of now, the recently launched weekly episodes of Satyamev Jayate, an initiative by Aamir Khan to throw light on contemporary issues of concern to  people alike, had one episode dedicated to this very theme- Love. Yes, we're talking love in the romantic sense here.  Aamir Khan went on to state that he was initially apprehensive about giving one full episode of the total 13 to this, as he felt there were more pressing issues that he felt ought to be addressed, but eventually he gave in.

So what is it, about this thing? What is it about it that a producer who's been down in the dumps decided to make a comeback with a film on love? Sounds painfully funny, we all know. But that is how it is, here at least. And not to be overlooked, is the fact, it often works. Watching the movie 'I Hate Luv Storys' a few days back, I couldn't help but scorn at the way the movie ends. Imran Khan is there, making a mockery of love, of perfect happy endings, all of which the film industry has been celebrating over the decades. And in the ending, we see him bowing down before Sonam Kapoor with puppy dog eyes 'confessing' how he'd been a fool to question the sanctity, the power of love in the first place. What do I say to this? Roflmao, Lmao, Lol, LAME. What else were we even expecting, guys? :D   Also, this is not me denying that I love watching these very movies, some of them over and over again. But then, we also know that love and relationships ain't all that hunky dory as portrayed in the films. Still we love watching them. Why? Sigh. :P The same goes for novels, be it Elizabeth and Darcy's romance in Pride and Prejudice, or the 'raw' love in the Twilight series (guffaws), each new novel is like a whole new story, ain't it? What is even funnier, is that having decided to start writing again after a L.O.N.G. break, I thought of and settled on this very topic. 

                                          Moving aside, let's talk of how  love is in our lives; no vampires, no 'lovelorn guy eyes demure dame and love blossoms' scenario being discussed here. Enough on that there everywhere already. I being a twenty year old, more of a virtual blabber mouth who'll take eons to venture and speak a word in front of new faces, have very less to say on this, anyway. I'm not here to propound a theory on love either. What kind of 'love' have we even been witness to, till now? As far as I can recall, I remember the first nestlings of love in my mind [yeah I won't write heart here, because the heart cannot think, unless you can prove otherwise.] settling through when I was in Xth, maybe? Prior to that, my crushes were limited to movie stars and the like- owing to my zilch interaction with guys till then. In Xth, I joined tuitions for the first time, and I soon had a list of eye candies  who I wished would somehow ask me out, because, of course I did not interact with any one of them, ever. :P Move over to turning sixteen and a brief, disastrous relationship, I decided to wait and come across someone nice, because I could never be one of those girls who'd go around saying all guys are dogs/losers/cheaters and stuff, because of the obvious reasons that a) That's not true, and b) Which girl has dated ALL men on earth to be able to make such a statement? :P

“Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze. ”

― Elinor Glyn

        

                                      A twenty year old now, and another relationship older, I'm still not sure about what love is. Really, do any of us have a sudden moment of epiphany when it strikes us that we're in love? That it ain't mere infatuation? When does one finally figure out if the one you love is the one you can spend your life with? Can you never be wrong? There wouldn't be divorces, or love marriages going awry, ever, then. So, what is this love all about? Aamir Khan goes on to say that the basis for love is procreation. Is that plainly true? Cannot be refuted straightaway either. Do you ever like/love someone without feeling sexually attracted to them? Cut the self imposed sexual abstinence in your fantasies that you boast of, fine you may not have fantasized about being kissed [or doing more, turn up the scale :P] by the one you're mad about, but you do realise it is something that you're trying to impose, right? Leave that aside, you would end up in bed with your beloved, eventually- it's just a matter of time then. It's not as if you were never physically attracted to her/him prior to you two getting married. So, is that longing for the one you love, a part of love, or something else? Do you know of any couple that had a love marriage yet never consummated it? That would be surprising, right? Also, I don't understand how people term sexual union a spiritual union, at the same time expressing extreme derision for pre-marital sex. Okay, maybe I'm being more discursive than  specific here, but my point is just that love too, is manipulated by people to serve as grounds to support their arguments. Marriage is just a social ostentation of a relationship that's formally been granted religious sanction, we all know that.

   

                                                                                     For us people, it's still the happy phase, and will be, for the next few years, I presume? Mutual liking, being asked out, going on dates, falling for each other even more each day. . it's so predictable. Marriage changed things, you got responsibilities, but then again, it's about having kids, seeing them grow, have them married off too, and grow old cherishing the past and the present. What about a couple that does not want to have kids, because they feel that will leave them with lesser proximity, [not in the bed, people] but otherwise, with a dozen concerns about  the kids growing up, not leaving them with the time and ease with which they could just spend hours together? One can say that without kids life becomes stagnant and having kids makes your life beautiful [whatever that means, only experience can tell], so would you be hating such people? To what extent are they wrong? Is to be in love then, necessarily a cyclical process that's to follow? Not having kids at all after marriage willfully, is that abnormal, then? What about live-in relationships? One may ask, why problem could a head-over-heels in love couple have with getting hitched? One can also ask- why get married, in the first place? Do we really need a religious/social sanction? Bleh.

“When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.”

― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

What about this aspect of love? More on this so

Another year comes to an End.

Yeah so here I am, done with exams, an internship waiting, and nagging boredom following close from the past few days, to stick through for the next few days, at least. I thought then, what better way to spend time than by pondering over and writing down my memories of the second year of college gone by. No, this wasn't just a time-pass thing. I realised that this is something I ought to do, if possible, on a regular basis even, because yeah, college life has charmed me over- right from the start, for both the good and the bad. I won't start with saying, 'It has been an enriching experience', blah-blah. Let me move over to my experience, as closely as I can best describe it, because experience is one thing, writing it on paper is another. 

                            Second year started off, there were new faces streaming/pouring in, we were kind of still stuck on to the 'take it easy'  mode, carried forth from first year, at least I was. I indulged in self-pity, if that is what it's to be called, for a long time; I was no longer a First yr student, college was no longer a space that I could boastfully claim, was my place to explore, almost like I owned it, as though the premises waited for us to arrive each day, and gaze around, starry-eyed, each day discovering new nook and crannies. It was the turn of the new batch of students to do that. I couldn't afford to be as unbothered as I'd been over the first yr, about my scores; [not that I've improved this year]. 

One, I grew mature. No, not in the cliched sense that I learnt about how I should react to situations, to people's reactions, to more of such neatly compartmentalized categories. Because that is internalising something that just caught your fancy, or something that was deemed as ideal, not growth. Instead of trying to emulate 'people', I decided to learn by observing more than the fairly obvious, people's tendencies, weaknesses, learnt a lot about myself through that, almost feeling like it was I observing myself in some situations. Facts trickled in, I sure did learn. I'm not even going to present a list of the 'facts' here, that's not my purpose. :P 

One thing I'm glad about- I made new friends, over the course of months. I don't know how much of an effort I made, but I'm glad I have new friends today, all off with whom my bond only deepens, each time we meet up or even have a five minute chat. Sounds intense, I know, but that's how I feel about/for ALL my friends! I may not be someone who'll be the conversation opener in a group where there are new faces all around, I take time to open up, so obviously it's a little harder for me to make friends, that way, but for the friends I have, I feel only grateful. It's true, isn't it, they are the ones who become the link between your cherished past and your 'Life sucks!' present? We all love to look back and live those times over in our minds, and the present always seems so much worse! :P 

                     

                       I got glimpses into the not so pretty sides of how the college ekes out the best for itself, thanks to a few acquaintances. Not that I ever imagined things to be all hunky dory in an educational institution, but you know seeing things is much worse than just hearing of those things all your life, and not having to confront it. The brand hype gives away to a part of you pointing its finger at you and rhetorically saying, 'So you never knew the world was all about facades, did you?'

Months progressed, or rather flew by, internal examinations were done with, we were back frequenting the corridors after the break, and soon, it was time to give the annual examinations. Are we sure time does not fly, when we're having a good time? :D  Soon we were to organise a  farewell for the seniors, and I couldn't help but think of our own farewell which would take place a year later. :/ Charged with the mammoth task [okay let me make it sound less dramatic- I love clicking people/things/everything] of clicking everyone at the event, I decided to go ahead. Being the shy creature I am, every time I focused the camera onto someone or a bunch of seniors, I feared they'd pelt a stone at me. Partly because sadly I hadn't interacted with many of em, over the two years in college. Not because I wanted to, AND didn't, but such a fear then wouldn't arise, most probably. :P 

            

                                 I ended up thinking, many-a-time, about how not-proud I should be, of myself, looking at the ones in my class who'd been excelling right from the start, or have come up, with time, with me  believing that that's not the only way to know one's 'worth', yet also acknowledging that if you got to thrive, you got to subscribe to the 'If you got it, you gotta flaunt it.' rule. I'm no fool to to float on a bubble just because I ended up in the college I am in, because the admission criterion needs a major overhaul, big time. I also couldn't help but wonder if I wasn't 'intelligent' enough to be able to sit through weekly seminars my dept organised, on 'profound' issues/whatever because I couldn't sit through most of em, or let me be honest, even one of them, without fidgeting? Or could I really just brush it off by saying that it was not my cup of cake, that to be able to listen and understand, what was spoken, I needed years of experience, that I didn't have? God knows. 

                                      

                               So after I was done with the exams, and was wondering what to do to pass my time, and I had this imposed 'guilt' lurking somewhere, that I didn't strive well enough this time either, to bring up my scores, to show I how good I am with interpretations, dialogic disputations in my answers, at debates, or classroom discussions [also knowing that had I done these very things, I would only be making a difference to myself, my state of being, maybe, but for society? For anyone else?- So when is it that you really should be proud of yourself?], I just thought, let it be. I couldn't force an answer out of myself which I didn't feel 'guilty' about. That was that. 

                                     Keeping aside these questions, :P  let me be honest to myself and admit that I greatly fear what life will be like, after college, though there's about a year more to go. I wish I could keep this haven close to myself like a stuffed toy, it is such comfort to place foot on the campus each time, taking in the familiar smells, the faces and smiles, those people whom you generally avoid, for no reason as such ;) For someone like me, who could spend months in a classroom with never having interacted with some people out of sheer apprehension, because I had the choice to stay within my cocoon of close friends, when I finally enter the work sphere, it'll be quite a ride- where diplomacy rules the roost, where you got to do something you're asked to, and be nice to people up, around, and under you, because one goof-up, and your job hangs by a thread. Whatever, more on that later! :D A year more of college, sounds like two months more to me, the one and a half months of holidays, sounds like eternity. Over incessant rounds to the cafeteria, the sports complex, the empty classrooms where we'd sit and chat for hours together, after classes, attending classes, not giving two hoots about not submitting my Eco assignment for both the Internals and Finals, I have soaked in a lot. And maybe I want just that much be enough reason to make me happy, to be able to say I have my own place in the college's memory, as though it had a soul of its own. And let the one coming year teach me more. Can't wait to get back! :)