True, circumstances shape us, or maybe just influence us. Many of us do turn out to be stern despisers of the institutions we've been made to believe in and worship from childhood. Others become ardent upholders of it, after internalising everything that's been drilled into their minds. So, different people react and respond to, and most of that 'response', we know, is not decided by us, or let's say, the conscious us.
Talking of people, let me just say, most of us crave to be acknowledged in more ways possible each day, gives us a kick. It always feels great to be paid a compliment to when you're amongst a lot many people, especially when some of them are people who don't really know you. In front of some, however, you don't stand expectantly with your tongue wagging. There, it's your turn to please them, in the sense that you can expect to laugh at and be laughed at by your friends. You can [casually] slap them if they're annoying you for a long time, you can tell them to shut up when they go on blabbering about something you weren't interested in listening to, right from the start. You can't try that with parents, right? You wouldn't even want to. Yes, no denying we all have those spurts of boiling anger brimming over when parents just say something to us and expect us to just gulp it down and dissolve it in our system, when we know it's actually causing a ruckus within. Then too, more than pelting a stone at them, you want to be able to argue with them, point for point, in a way that they saw you as thinking, [not perfect] people. If you were wrong after all, you could have it explained by them step by step, you think you deserved that much, right? And if they turned out to be wrong, they would [should] simply be glad they were wise enough to go for a discussion on something they had been sure of. But at times, they just know, that they know best. I wish they underwent such moments of epiphany when they were pathetically wrong, too. This ain't about the rebelling against parents crap at all.
Another category of people is of those who, you realise you can't respect, ever, but have to deal with however, because they are a part of your life. Faces you have to see everyday, or hear often about, though you're least interested in hearing of anything to do with them. Nor can you just go up to those people, and say with a wide smile across your face and tell them that they're one of the most pathetic, sick, dumb, fake, insensitive, indifferent persons you've come across, and that you're shutting them out of your life for good. Sad, that the people we're most sure about in life about, are often the ones we spend ages being able to do what we wish to about/with them, because of- again, circumstances, maybe, or our imaginary fears may have much to do with it, or imaginary problems, these imaginary things hold us back from manifesting something even better into the real, situations of our lives. But many a time, not always, those situations are such that you see no choice but to sit back and wait, and hope that someday you'll be able to fix this, or alter that.
Of people, some are as beautiful as the evenings of a splendid winter evening- chilly, yet comforting, in the warmth of fire- just like the most boring of occasions turn into the most cherishable
memories, with friends around. Time flies when you are with them. Each second spent with them is like drenching your soul with watery memories, so they just seep in, before you see them again, before the well of memories starts drying up again. And those Some, whom you can't bear, but have to put up with, like I mentioned above. And they take great pleasure in the fact that you can't rid yourselves of them, or that you can't say a word, when they are busy uttering away crap that you wouldn't normally take, from anyone. Sometimes, they Say things to you. Sometimes, things happen. And there was no question of you ever uttering a voice against that. And all you can do each time is, just re-live or accidently remember that moment when you felt you were treated miserably, knowing you didn't deserve it, [let's not bring in Karma here, Please.] and feel angry again, sick to the pit of your stomach, cry, at best, curse that person, and then what? Forget it, knowing you can't do anything about it? That sucks, right? That feeling of helplessness- I wonder if there's a word to be able to accurately describe it. And that bitterness remains, the memory of that experience remains, much as you would like to forget about it, knowing that you can't forget it forever either, because you know you've been wronged, and that will bubble forth, somehow.
Many of them, conveniently forget, what hopes you had pinned on them, what happy expectations you had from them, much as each persons deserves to expect from any fellow being- and mutilate them, because they were indifferent to those expectations, and to you in the first place, probably. You were probably no better than a rag doll- to be adored and decked up with newly stitched clothes- when you were lucky they were you know, in a good mood. And when they weren't in just a good mood, or had done something sick themselves, or were simply irritated- they would vent it out on you; not caring to stop and think if we'd ever be able to vent it, let it out, some way, someday? What if we never got that chance, to erase that bit of memory? What if we ourselves turned into one of those people we had despised? Or just be a victim of having that lived through that experience? Sometimes, it doesn't feel all that glorious, surviving all that and then living an entire lifetime. It is, maybe tougher. Seeing manifestations of happenings years old around you, in you, yet not able to control it? Maybe someone you had deeply loved and trusted betrayed it, or said something that did more than just hurt you. You realised in that instant that someone can bring your so called 'reality' crashing down, a reality you had cherished. And maybe you stop expecting anything from anyone, turned bitter and distant to anyone who tried to come close, turned cynical- could you be blamed?
Sometimes, more often than not, people we have great expectations from, disappoint us. Disappointment would be an understatement. And then, all our lives, we have to live with the fact that it did happen. Sometimes, it affects us to so great an extent that in moments when we're alone, and are following a chain of thoughts, we discover ourselves pondering over or considering something that seems at once alien to ourselves, and yet a natural consequence of our own thoughts. But what triggered those thoughts? is hard to tell. If you want to kill someone off today, maybe you don't have to think about what people would think if they were privy to your thoughts, maybe you should just think over what caused it, and be calm in your own mind. At times, things just happen, you couldn't have done much to forestall it. All I can think of saying is, maybe next time, you'll be better prepared. Maybe you won't. Some things you can take care of, make sure you do.
